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When his hands are in mine I feel galaxies shifting, moons moving, stars bursting.

I can assure you that every ounce of my soul is within him.

The feel of his lips and the taste of his mouth is the sweetest drug, I have ever encountered.

When I am with him I feel at home, I feel content.

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I really should brush my hair.

“I can play very annoying girl, very lost girl and then all the things in the spectrum between.”                     –Lena Dunham

I am super happy at the moment. Had my birthday on the weekend, my oh my was it busy! I had drinks Friday night at a Pub. I got very drunk and played so many different women roles in my antics.

My favorite parts of the night are below:

  • My friend sniffed under her arm pit, rubbed it with her hands, sniffed again and said to a guy while shoving this fingers under his nose “I stink” His response “It smells like you need a drink” and he ACTUALLY bought her a DRINK.
  • A friend commented on this older ladies boobs at the bar, saying how great they look. She whipped out these silicone stress ball looking things, rubbed them all over one of my guy friends faces plopped it back in her bra and said “Now your DNA is on these” ….
  • A super drunk guy decided to call me FIREBALL, because I have red hair and he thought he was super original. MAKING RED HEAD JOKES? – never had that before, sigh.
  • LITERAL DANCE MOVES. these are my absolute favorite. The bigger the gesture the funnier it is.
  • My boyfriend cuddling me on the train and being the absolute beautiful man that he is.

So all in all, my birthday was fun and I am so blessed to have the oddest and funniest group of friends out.

A Laugh Well Needed

To give you a bit of background at my work, we sit in desks (pods) which consist of four people. So usually when you are having a conversation all four people are involved.

The girl next to me and the one across from me and I, were talking about Tim Tams. About how when foreigners come here, people always push them down their throats. We were discussing how Tim Tams are most delicious, when you use them as a straw through milk. YUUUUM!

So about 3-4 mins later, the lady furthest away from us on the desk/pods said “When I first got here (Australia) I saw two Nuns doing it, it looked like they were enjoying it and very pleasurable, so I thought I should give it a try” – We were all gobsmacked until I responded with “What on earth are you referring to?” – She replied with a better and clearer explanation that it was a Tv Commercial and they were eating Tim Tams.

Hahahahaha 0_O

Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional positive regard (UPR) is a term credited to humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers and is used in client-centered therapy. Practicing unconditional positive regard means accepting and respecting others as they are without judgment or evaluation.

This is a terminology used by Carl Rogers to describe a technique in client centered therapy. What this means is that a Therapist will support the client whether they are explaining what we would consider to be bad behaviors or good behaviors.

Recently, my favourite Podcast called “Dear Sugar” on WBUR which is hosted by Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond. Cheryl advised that she uses the UPR technique which her friends and family members over the years and it has worked wonders. It really got me thinking about my prejudgment of my friends and family with their relationship and work struggles. Because I may have not be able to handle the situation better.

HOWEVER, I am really struggling with one scenario. I can’t get the situation out of my head and I can’t understand why they would beg this person to stay with them. An acquaintance of mines boyfriend  (who I am good/best friends with) messaged my friend saying he is now single and about a dream he had about her. The kicker is here, he was still taken. Things were super rocky in the relationship, but they were not officially over. Now my friend who got the message, did not humor him she was incredibly platonic. To my eye, there was nothing wrong in how my friend reacted.

The girlfriend went through his phone (<- this situation is a whole other kettle of fish) she found the messages and blamed my friend. I honestly do not think she read all the messages, because she would have seen my friend was questioning him. I think her brain has warped what she “thinks” she saw. I got dragged into this muck, believe me I tried to stay out. It is clearly a communication error between them both.

It seemed she was going to leave him, she put up a big stink about the whole thing. She even said “You of all people should know how I feel right now” – Low blow. (in reference to my cheating ex husband)

BUT – She STAYED. she BEGGED him to take her back. After everything, all the drama she caused.

And, I don’t know how I can hold her in Unconditional Positive Regard. I am trying!

Susan Cain – Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World That Won’t Stop Talking.

“I worry that there are people who are put in positions of authority because they’re good talkers, but they don’t have good ideas. It’s so easy to confuse schmoozing ability with talent. Someone seems like a good presenter, easy to get along with, and those traits are rewarded. Well, why is that? They’re valuable traits, but we put too much of a premium on presenting and not enough on substance and critical thinking.”
Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Gosh, this was good read! On so many levels! If you aren’t one for lengthy explanations and science chit chat, steer clear. This actually felt like brain food for me. NOM NOM – nourishing!

It made me think in a way I have never thought before, especially with ideas that I have never contemplated. This book goes into the dynamics of being introverted and extroverted it also explains the significant cons and pros of one or the other. It even gives you details about historic introverts and how they got through the day to day grind of an exhausting world.

I loved that this book made me question my own personality traits in adition to how I handle my persona in everyday life. It analyzes issues such being born introverted in a society which can pressure you to become extroverted overtime. So much so, that you are not aware that you are fooling everyone, even yourself!

“Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet.”
Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

I give this book 4/5 stars

Seeing The Future

Today I went and saw a Clairvoyant. I have seen many in the past, but this one has predicted so much about future and things that have happened in my younger life that no one knew or would be able to even slightly guess.

To give you an idea of our previous experiences, Actually my first experience ever with her she predicted my marriage would fall apart. I thought she was crazy. She told me there was nothing I could do, that I would handle everything as though a deer in headlights. She even predicted the month. When she told me this information, I was so happy with my ex. He was so sweet, endearing also spontaneous. I think I loved his courageous wild side, for that is something I lack in personality. On this month that my world fell apart so to speak, he signed into his Facebook on my phone. WHY? Honestly to this day I can’t remember. We were drinking at a friends party we were all having a great time. I was pretty drunk and my phone wouldn’t stop going off. I hadn’t realised at this point it was his Facebook logged in and I was getting messages along the lines of “I wanna see your throbbing cock” “Can’t wait to roll around with you again” You get the idea? Anyways, I thought it was the old classic spam from a random. But than I realised that a conversation had been between us… into which I realised it was not me having these conversations. There was images of him with girls and his responses. I left him and I was a deer in head lights…

After this experience, she called me and apologised and said to come and see her free of charge. She said she felt bad she couldn’t tell me the why’s at the time. You know what, that session was the best therapy I have ever had in my life. I walked away thinking, if nothing she said today comes true I don’t even mind. The life advice she gave me was priceless.

So back to, today! My boyfriend wanted to try her, with his new postings and all new things in the horizon he wanted to get a reading. Can I say, this made me love him even more. To take an interest in something I like.. I mean, have I hit the jackpot?

So we had separate sessions, I was fearful because she is so blunt. I was scared we aren’t going to work out or she wont like him etc. But it turns out we were together in a past life! We thrived and he was in the Navy back in that past life also. What are the chances? I was told so much, she said I am going to be incredibly creative over the next few years and I need to write a book. I need to learn an instrument. I need to get my life stories out in the open. She even knew about this blog! She mentioned a lot about me moving and things just working out. My boyfriend has a more intense reading being his first time but he was blown away by everything she knew about him that no one else knew. She is under the impression that I have a twist in my gut which is causing me all the dietary issues. I can’t remember what else she said, my brain is quite drained today. But I am feeling good and when I remember other stuff I will post it.

Club Scenes

Yesterday, I went to a Night Club for a friend’s birthday. I have been to many of the years, where we do predrinks get wasted before we go in and usually end up dancing the night away in a hot sweat and sea of people.

While I was there I had quite an epiphany. I feel that people go to a club to get drunk to dance and to seem as an extroverted fun loving gal/guy. I witnessed groups of people all mirroring each other, not only in style but in their actions and conversations. They are mirroring what they see their friend do and also mirror what they expect their friend would like them to act and behave. I am unsure why so many people do it? Do they get out and realise it isn’t enjoyable so they drink more?

The weirdest thing was the age difference between people at the club. I mean if you 50 and still clubbing? I really mean, if you have that energy at 50, all power to you. But I also do not want a 50 year old man hassling me to buy me drinks and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. You are the age of my grandad and that doesn’t sit comfortable with me. Thank you Hugh Hefner, for that awkward experience.

I don’t think I ever like clubbing. I love to dance, but you can never dance freely at a club without the constant guy trying to buy you a drink or the constant knocking of the girl that did a little too many tequila shots and wore heels way higher than her usual comfort size.

AND WOMEN’s TOILET LINES? What even is that. I know most women are dropping drugs etc, but dude it doesn’t take half a hour.

What am I trying to say is why do we dress up so much to get wasted and pretend to be happy and having a good time?

I will stick to a pub/bar from now on.

What, to do?

“The same thing that makes friendship so valuable is what makes it so tenuous: it is purely voluntary. You enter into it freely, without the imperatives of biology or the agenda of desire. Officially, you owe each other nothing.”

Tim KreiderWe Learn Nothing

Recently I have had a friend who I was very close with come out of his depression. Who apologised for his ways towards me and our friendship. I’m unsure what to do.

About 6 months ago he started dating his ex. She is a horrendous woman. To give you some insight, last time they dated she had three other guys on the go. Which she didn’t even feel remorse for. Well not until she realized he wouldn’t stand for it. Her excuse was that he was not giving her enough attention. He actually felt responsible. I helped him a lot during this time. Endless phone calls outings. The stuff you do as a friend to help your friend move on and be happier. During this time it caused issues between myself and my partner. I’m not sure if he was jealous or concerned for my well being? As you could imagine being the crutch for a friend can start to get draining.

Without a word my friend just stopped talking to me. Someone that I could have conversations with and make me laugh just decided our friendship was up? I tried to talk to him. He would either ignore me or claim nothing was wrong. My friend and my partner thought he had feel in love with me and wanted to keep distance. But I felt he had gotten back with his ex and decided it was embarrassing to tell me that after I helped him with so much. So I let it be.

Now he has caught his ex/gf doing the same old thing. (No surprises there) He apologised to me and asked me for forgiveness and that he really missed our friendship but he knew I’d be mad that he got back with his ex, so it was easier for him to live in his bubble, without my judgment.

What should I do? I’ve told him, I will have to think what I want. That I don’t think we can be as close anymore. I did really miss my friend, through out the last 6 months. –

Undecided.

Small Talk

“Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to. Stay home on New Year’s Eve if that’s what makes you happy. Skip the committee meeting. Cross the street to avoid making aimless chitchat with random acquaintances. Read. Cook. Run. Write a story. Make a deal with yourself that you’ll attend a set number of social events in exchange for not feeling guilty when you beg off.”
Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Do you ever have days where you just don’t want to talk to anyone. Like at all.

I do not aim this post at those people I dislike or drain me. Every now and then, I will have this compelling urge to just turn my phone off. Which will mean to not write back to my boyfriends four texts. I will even lie to people and pretend I was busy or forgot to write back. I just loathe small talk so much.

I want deep conversations, I crave topics that compel me to listen attentively. I understand I sound like a bitch. Believe me I get annoyed at myself in these situations. I legit have a crippling fear from my phone, I find the more people have contacted me in a day the worse it can be.

My friends use me as a crutch for a lot of things, in which I don’t usually mind. Today my internal battery is dead it was utilized to much. Time to switch off …