Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional positive regard (UPR) is a term credited to humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers and is used in client-centered therapy. Practicing unconditional positive regard means accepting and respecting others as they are without judgment or evaluation.

This is a terminology used by Carl Rogers to describe a technique in client centered therapy. What this means is that a Therapist will support the client whether they are explaining what we would consider to be bad behaviors or good behaviors.

Recently, my favourite Podcast called “Dear Sugar” on WBUR which is hosted by Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond. Cheryl advised that she uses the UPR technique which her friends and family members over the years and it has worked wonders. It really got me thinking about my prejudgment of my friends and family with their relationship and work struggles. Because I may have not be able to handle the situation better.

HOWEVER, I am really struggling with one scenario. I can’t get the situation out of my head and I can’t understand why they would beg this person to stay with them. An acquaintance of mines boyfriend  (who I am good/best friends with) messaged my friend saying he is now single and about a dream he had about her. The kicker is here, he was still taken. Things were super rocky in the relationship, but they were not officially over. Now my friend who got the message, did not humor him she was incredibly platonic. To my eye, there was nothing wrong in how my friend reacted.

The girlfriend went through his phone (<- this situation is a whole other kettle of fish) she found the messages and blamed my friend. I honestly do not think she read all the messages, because she would have seen my friend was questioning him. I think her brain has warped what she “thinks” she saw. I got dragged into this muck, believe me I tried to stay out. It is clearly a communication error between them both.

It seemed she was going to leave him, she put up a big stink about the whole thing. She even said “You of all people should know how I feel right now” – Low blow. (in reference to my cheating ex husband)

BUT – She STAYED. she BEGGED him to take her back. After everything, all the drama she caused.

And, I don’t know how I can hold her in Unconditional Positive Regard. I am trying!


4 thoughts on “Unconditional Positive Regard

  1. I went through something kinda similar with a friend who was about to walk down the aisle. I didn’t press it figuring our friendship wouldn’t survive, and she’d marry him anyway..which she did. They divorced a few years later due to his unfaithfulness. I feel badly that she had to go through this whole experience, but I also know she would never have backed out of the wedding. I had an easier time holding her in UPR than I did myself over this matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.
      I find it difficult, for when it happened to me. I left him, I literally had nothing and started over. During this time she was trying to plan all this vengeful stuff to get back at my ex. I’m just not that person. She even said a few times “if that happened to me, I’d take everything and leave him”
      I guess some women and men are Just scared to be alone?
      She is really trying now to be his perfect girlfriend. I have always thought wanting to leave is enough. You don’t need a reason, some relationships expire years ago.
      Are you and your friend, good friends now? Is she okay? Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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