“There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.” -Sarah Kay
Today I feel very raw, in an apologetic way, I just keep saying sorry to everyone. I have spent the whole weekend healing my broken friends. Who for some strange reason, all their boyfriends happened to dump them at the same time. I had a very close friend have a miscarriage. who has been trying to fall pregnant for such a long time, even writing this my heart is breaking and the tears are welling up my eyes. Which in return my empathetic ways have somehow sucked up all their pain and hurt and transferred it, unwillingly into myself.
The weekend also included quite a large amount of nostalgia – my childhood friends visited and we discussed old times, which to you, probably doesn’t sounds like a huge deal. My childhood and teen years weren’t easy, I grew up with a highly intelligent psychopath for a mother. Which people often mistook for a carefree spirit. They reminded me of so many “funny” tales about my mother and growing up, which at the time I laughed, but I think this has stirred something in me, in which has laid dormant for a long time. I feel angry and annoyed at my mother, all over again. WHICH I know, is soooooo pointless. I have worked hard to resolve childhood issues but I understand now, what I have resolved will need to be resolved again and most likely continuously in my life. It will have a lot to do with forgiveness.
Because of this sudden change to my inner being and aurora, I have been eating very badly, which in turn effects my health quite dramatically and I FEEL so sombre. I just want to sit in bed and read Sylvia Plath and listen to super sad songs. The thing is, I am not going through a break up. Quite the opposite, I am very happy with my boyfriend. We communicate so clearly, but someone how all my friends issues and everything has stirred something inside me and I am unsure how to fix it? I think in a weeks time I will read this and think how silly I was to take this so intensely.
I am raw, I have a big heart and an unfiltered kindness, I am soft and mostly quiet, I have a combination of red hair, green eyes and pale skin. Which took me longer then I would like to admit to love and accept. You can almost always find me in a floral dress with many accessories, such as, my lack of hand eye coordination and inability to finish a full story, without cutting myself off and starting another story which relates to something completely unrelated, not to me, to the listener. I hate handshakes and small talk. I prefer to hug and talk about your dreams. I dislike 5 star restaurants, although thoroughly enjoy 2 star restaurants where I can eat breakfast food all day. This is who I am, and I think the way I do and it’s okay to feel down and stressed because we require days like this to show us how great the better days can be.
I write to learn what I am thinking, what I am looking at, what I have seen and what it means.
Already I am beginning to feel lighter.